I know I’m flaking on the blog today, but amid pains and aches and medical issues, it’s easier. :-) My mother in law emailed this to me, and I can see most the men I know nodding along going “Exactly!”.
The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys’ side of the story. ( I must admit, it’s pretty good.) We always hear the rules from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered ‘1 ‘ ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers. (Neither are women)
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down. (Falling into the toilet at 3 a.m. is going to piss us off; when we come back to bed, we’re sticking our ice cold feet in your crotch to warm them. Then maybe you’ll see why we complain)
1. Sunday sports It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. (As long as you don’t throw anything at the television, or yell at players who cannot hear you, or yell at us because YOUR team is doing badly)
1. Crying is blackmail. (Which is exactly why we do it)
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. (Men can solve things? Wow….)
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 days. (Bullshit! If it’s unresolved, it’s still valid!)
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. (This is like when I would ask my husband to load the dishwasher, and I have to go along behind him and load it right. Or folding the towels; they need to be a certain way in order to fit in the pantry where I keep them. Now, I’m just happy it gets done, right or wrong.)
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials. (That road goes both ways buck-o)
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. (Anyone else thinking ‘he didn’t find India like he wanted, that bastard was as lost as you get us’?)
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. (So does Little J. Which is hilarious)
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ’nothing,’ We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. (Which is why we tell you ‘nothing’. Because we’re still stewing about it)
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear. (Just like mind-reading, and not talking until commercials, this goes both ways. Do NOT get your woman drunk and then ask if you’re the best she’s ever had unless you’re willing to hear ‘no’.)
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…Really.
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping. (Which is why my husband gets banished to sleeping in the carport or the back patio when he done messed up… without a tent or sleeping bag.)
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